Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just had a mammogram

A 40ish woman is home, NAKED, happily jumping on her bed & squealing with delight. Husband watches & asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed & says, "I don't care what you think. I just had a mammogram, & the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old." The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year-old a**?" "Your name never came up," she replied

Money or grammar ?

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says, "I wanna open a f***ing saving account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."

She goes to the bank manager to complain.

The manager agrees such foul language can't be accepted.

They both return to the window and ask the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

Old man: "There is no f***ing problem, I just won $200 million bucks in the f***ing lottery & I want to put my f***ing money in this f***ing bank."

Manager: "I see, and is this b*tch giving you a f***ing hard time sir?"


Moral of the story:

When money talks, nobody checks the Grammar!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Blessings to you



If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.


If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.


If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.


If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.


If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.


If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.


If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.


If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.


If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.


You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.