Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The minister and parishioner

A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly.

At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."

"Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"


Sick

A boy walks into the school nurse's office.
Nurse: Why are you here?
Boy: I’m sick
Nurse: sick of what?
Boy: The teacher


Friday, January 14, 2011

A Job at the zoo

A father of six children had been out of work for six months. In desperation, he was reading through the want ads in the paper and came across an ad for someone to work at the zoo. The man called the zoo and asked if he could have the job, but was told that he would need to come in for an interview.

The next day he went to the interview, but before beginning, he was told by his potential employer that he would need to raise his hand to the square and promise that the proceedings of the interview would be kept confidential, whether he got the job or not. The man reluctantly took the oath, then asked what this job and oath were all about.

The zoo owner asked the man what he thought the zoo's main attraction was. Without hesitation the man replied, 'Everyone knows that. It's the big ape!'

'Well,' said the zoo owner, 'this is the part you cannot divulge, because we would lose our business. The big ape died, and we need to keep it a secret by putting the ape skin on someone who can imitate the ape--at least until the new ape arrives in three months.' 'That's me!' said the man. 'I can do that! I was a gymnast in high school and college.' The zoo owner then challenged the man to audition by acting like an ape. The man assumed crouched position and began running, jumping, and swinging around the room, imitating the actions and sounds of an ape. 'Wow! You're really good!' said the owner, and immediately gave the man the job.

The next day the man, dressed as the ape, went into the cage and was an instant hit. Everyone heard how the ape was preforming and came to the zoo to see him. The crowds got bigger and bigger as time went by, and the front page of the paper proclaimed, 'The ape has gone ape!'

About two months before the new ape was to arrive, the man had about five hundred people in front of his cage, and he was waxing eloquent. He was flipping and jumping and swinging everywhere, when all of a sudden, at the top of a swing, his rope broke and threw him into the lion's cage. He rolled a few times, coming to rest against the bars, and turned to find himself across the cage from the king of beasts, who lay across the cage with his head down on one paw. He knew right way that he was in trouble, so he began screaming like an ape and running back and forth along the bars in hopes that someone would rescue him from this situation. No one moved. As he looked again, the lion began to move slowly and stalk him. The lion then growled, curled his upper lip over his teeth, and assumed a position to leap. Just at this moment, the man decided that his family was more important to him than his promise to the owner of the zoo. He looked up and started screaming, 'Help! Help! I'm not really an ape, I'm a man. Get me out of here!' The lion looked at him and said in a loud whisper, 'Hush up, you fool! You'll get us both fired!'

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Malaysian Jokes

pure jokes, no pun intended! Cheers~

The Old Imam
An old kampung imam had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects;
1. The Holy Quran.
2. A fifty ringgit note.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old imam said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the holy book, he's going to be an Imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room..

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and placed it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"God have mercy," the old imam disgustedly whispered. "He's going to be an Umno Policitian!"

Going to Heaven
One day a chinese, malay, and indian guy died and went to heaven. The guardian of heavens gates said that heaven was overpopulated and he can only let a person in if they are truly and purely holy.To determined whether they are holy enuf or not they had to climb the "100 stairs of dirty jokes" where at every step an angel will appear and tell them a dirty joke,if they can climb the stairs without laughing at any of the jokes they would be able to enter heaven.

So the malay guy started first.... on the 3rd step he laughed and *BOOM* was sent to hell.
The indian guy went next and...... on the 40th step he laugh so loud he craped his pants *BOOM* he was sent to hell!
Finally it was the Chinese guys turn....he climbed climbed and climbed without laughing at any of the jokes and amazingly he made it to the 99th step!! 1 more to go and he would make it to heaven.
BUT as he was going to climb the final step he laughed out loud and *BOOM* was send to hell!

The Malay and indian guy in hell was confused and ask him why did he laugh since he was so close to getting into heaven..
The chinese guy said :"i finally understood the first joke"

Festive Season
When Hari Raya comes close to Chinese New Year, they call it 'Kongsi Raya'
When Hari Raya comes close to Deepavali, they call it 'Deeparaya'
When Chinese New Year comes close to Deepavali, they call it 'Kongsi Gelap'

World Cup
Q : Why can't the Indians qualify for the World Cup?
A: Every time they get a corner,they set up a mamak stall.

Pencil Art - Video