Friday, June 25, 2010

A Mans Prayer

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the cheque book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1 P.M. ..so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Rushed over to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were... You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

LOL!!

Never Lie to Kids

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain.The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here. The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its
neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire!!!"
Never lie to kids, ESPECIALLY GIRLS !!!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Asian Restaurant Prank Call

Do not laugh at chinese people

Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer
that he is going to China on business for two weeks
and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need
some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man
hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two
weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why
you would bother to borrow $5, 000.The Chinese
replies:

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
safely when I return.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Only mum would know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me, I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Only mum would know

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me, I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Indian vs American

An Indian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Indian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Indians eat the whole bread?"

Indian (coolly): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India". The American has a smirk on his face.

The Indian munches on.. gives a cold look but did not reply. The American refuses to take the cue and persists:

"Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Indian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs incontainers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India."

The Indian puts his coffee mug down.. looks straight in the Amreican's eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Indian: "And what do you do with the cond*ms
once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Indian: "We don't. In India, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them
to America."

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Apple Tree

A long time ago, there was a huge apple tree. A little boy loved to come and lay around it every day. He climbed up to the tree top, ate the apples, took a nap under the shadow… He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by… the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day. One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad. “Come and play with me,” the tree asked the boy. “I am no longer a kid, I don’t play around trees anymore.” The boy replied. “I want toys, I need money to buy them.” “Sorry, but I don’t have money… but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money.” The boy was so excited. He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples. The tree was sad. One day, the boy returned and the tree was so excited. “Come and play with me,” the tree said. “I don’t have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?” “Sorry, but I don’t have a house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house.” So the boy cut all the branches off the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the boy never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the boy returned and the tree was delighted. “Come and play with me!” the tree said. “I’m sad and getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?” “Use my trunk to build your boar. You can sail far away and be happy.” So the boy cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time. The tree was happy, but it was not true. Finally, the boy returned after he left for so many years. “Sorry, my boy. But I don’t have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you…” the tree said. “I don’t have teeth to bite,” the boy replied. “No more trunk for you to climb on.” “I am too old for that now,” the boy said. “I really can’t give you anything… the only thing left is my dying roots,” the tree said with tears. “I don’t need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years.” The boy replied. “Good! Old tree roots is the best place to lean on and rest. Come, Come sit down with me and rest.” The boy sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears… This is a story of everyone. The tree is our parent. When we were young, we loved to play with Mum and Dad… When we grown up, we left them, and only came to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could to make you happy. You may think that the boy is cruel to the tree but that is how all of us are treating our parents. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Life As A Hen

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

Chimp Rapes a Frog

The grossest thing I've ever seen! Oh my God! Poor frog become the chimp sex slave!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Little Joey

Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher asked, Joey what are you doing? Joey replied, Teacher, my mommy had me circumsized yesterday and it still hurts. So the teacher sent Joey to the principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.
When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, Joey, what are you doing!? Joey answered, Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here to pick me up.

Jill's Legs

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.
The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.

Okay, she says, my name is Jill.

The owner looks her over and says, I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing. He answers, Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!

Good karma - Life Lesson

German Dude marries his Cat

A German postal worker, from Possendorf, has unofficially married his beloved cat, Cecilia.

39-year-old Uwe Mitzscherlich has shared precious moments with Cecilia, for the last 10 years. Unfortunately, the purring fur-ball is now obese and asthmatic, and the vets don’t think she has much more to live. Because they’ve had such a unique relationship, for many years, Mr. Mitzscherlich decided to make it official, and asked Cecilia’s…paw, in marriage.

Sadly, human-animal weddings aren’t recognized in Germany, so Uwe Mitzscherlich had to pay a female actor to officiate the ceremony. At first she thought it was a joke, but quickly realized this was a dream come true, for the German postal worker.

The couple dressed for the occasion, with Uwe wearing a wedding suit and top hat, and Cecilia boasting a lovely white dress. It was a beautiful ceremony, and 15-year-old Cecilia even meowed loudly, through the exchanging of the vows.

Check out a video of this unusual wedding, at the bottom.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''


LOL , i like this smart kid.

Strongest Teenager

His name is Pat " Buff " Mendes, age 19, his body weight is 130 Kgs (286 Pounds) and he is from Las Vegas , Nevada